Addressing sex issues for couples can help you achieve your goals, whether you're negotiating a new sexual partner's preferences or seeking to bring passion to your long-term relationship.
Any sex guru will tell you communication is key.
Famous sex educators propose the following questions to initiate a discourse about sexual and emotional needs, preferences, and aspirations.
1. Without repercussions or shame, what sexual activity would you try?
Answering this question with a new or longtime spouse can be nerve-wracking. Many of us find it difficult to convey our most secret wants, especially if they're uncommon fetishes or a favored position we're afraid our partner will accept.
Sangeeta Pillai, the creator of Soul Sutras, suggests emphasizing the imagination and not you two. Such questions allow your partner to voice wishes they might not otherwise express, she says. They're free to explore their wants and ideas.
2. What’s something you've never tried but would like to?
Rebecca Alvarez Story, co-founder of Bloomi, created a tool to help couples talk about what they want to try in bed.
She advises couples to make a "yes, no, maybe" list. "Activities on the 'yes' list are things you like and want to keep doing. Things on the 'no' list are things you can't do.
“Your wish list can include unfinished activities or sexual encounters you want to repeat. Anal play, a threesome, filthy talk, sex gadgets, reciprocal masturbation, and nudes are bucket list ideas.”
3. I came across an item about [a need, want, or desire] in my feed. How about trying it out?
This strategy is great if you want to try a new sex position or kink.
Author Kait Scalisi says, "This is a great approach to introduce anything in your relationship. Two wonderful things about this query. Creating space between yourself and the requestee can make asking easier. Second, you don't terminate the debate with a yes or no.
4. How did you first learn about sex growing up?
Sharing sexual desires might be uncomfortable. Some may feel guilty or ashamed. Knowing someone's background helps you grasp their likes, habits, and desires.
Donna Oriowo, owner and lead therapist at Annod Right, says this is a good question to ask because it may reveal their feelings, attitude, and knowledge about sex. “It helps you have a more satisfying conversation with them.”
5. How are you most comfortable telling me what you want?
She says almost everyone wants to share what they like to do in bed. "However, most of us find it hard to speak up when needed or feel self-conscious. This query may help simplify communication by addressing ‘how.’”
6. Where do you like/dislike being touched?
When dating someone new, you don't know what makes them crazy—in the best and worst ways. Start basic sometimes. Consider asking about the above and the person's touch triggers.
"They're good questions to know how to show up for your partner," says sex teacher Jimanekia Eborn. “They can participate and care for themselves.”
7. What new knowledge about your body could improve our sex life?
Oriowo: "This is a twofer. It shows how the body and our desires change with time. Second, it inhibits sexual stagnation. Your sexual life becomes fluid, adaptable, and changeable if you communicate what you've learned about your body and any needed alterations.”
8. What makes you seductive?
"Feeling sexy isn't just about how we look; it's also about our environment," says Corrado. If you're open about when you feel seductive, your partner may understand your turn-ons (and turn-offs).
"Feeling sexy and appealing may have nothing to do with a person's appearance," says Corrado. "Your seductive setting may include candles and clean linens. If your partner's kids aren't home, they won't be disturbed. Determine what works for both of you to create a fun setting.”
9. What fantasy do you want to share with me?
Oriowo says the inquiry "acknowledges that we all have sexual wants, but also allows the fantasy to be discussed and displays a willingness to examine and possibly fulfill that goal."
You can say no while still being respectful if your spouse shares something you're not comfortable with, now or in the future. Respecting limits is just as vital as foreplay and intense sex.
10. Describe a private deed of mine you love and why.
Let's close with a favorite game, compliments. Some of these questions could spark debate. This one should make you both feel confident, content, and maybe even romantic. You can ask your partner about their favorite feature of your closeness, body area, or recent encounter.
"This question gets couples talking," says Story. "The inquiry makes sexual communication easier since it's scary. The partner will be encouraged to continue and study relevant themes."